Today, I want to tell you about how I’ve been destroyed in these couple of weeks and how everything I wanted is just lost my creativity and my passion.I’m just trying to get words out of my mind. Because I’m just tired and I can’t handle anything anymore
I don’t want to talk about my family problems which make me want to die. And not about my father and his journey with cancer.
I will talk about me, my life and my passion. So, with all these problems and pressure I began to change in every mean you could think of. My body shakes when I’m anxious. I feel pain in my heart although the doctor said my heart and lungs are fine. She just told me that I’m passing with a lot and I have no physical illness. Mental illness is not a thing here in my country sadly. My eyes cry and I can’t control it anymore. People keep asking me why do you cry ? and I just tell them ” Oh, My eyes just do that when I’m tired”
I feel guilty for everything bad happens and I’m trying to help but I’m can’t. And it’s not only my health. My dream is affected by this too. Anyone who is close to me will know that my dream and ambitions are the only things that make me feel good about myself.
My college, my blog and all of this are a lot to me. Even if I’m not that successful. I was trying to learn and try new things. But everything now seems like I do not know what the word I can describe it with. But I lost my motive. and all I’m trying to do now is keep doing it until I feel good again about my life. But I don’t.
What makes people study and going to college and then get a job is having a motive. They still want to live. They have that thing that makes them want to live and learn and all of that. And I’ve lost it all.
I’m trying to do everything from my room. I do not go out anymore. I stopped doing the important stuff in my life. I wanted to start my YouTube channel then I felt discouraged and tired to do any effort. I do not go to college anymore. I don’t study. Sometimes there is an important article in front of my eyes but I do not want anything anymore. And I can’t ask for help. Because if I can’t help myself who could help me.
Sometimes we keep judging people and treat them in a disrespectful way. But we don’t know what they have been through. And it just makes me sad.
I feel I’m going to regret this when I wake up. Especially I haven’t talked to anyone of my family or friends about it. Thank God they don’t read my blog.
Has anyone of you been through this before?